buildin' - the makeup

jeez, I feel like I'm whining about my lovelife - daily. That was so not what I wanted to use this for, but I do want to wrap-up this little drama with JC. We went to breakfast & talked it out. We're fine, agreed to work on it, you get the gist.

More importantly, my mind's trying to wrap itself around this buildin' thing. You know, relationship-building (for those of you uninformed on what " buildin' " is. JC & I are of one accord - we're in the buildin' phase. We lay the foundation of our relationship, and build upon it. Trust, honesty, and the desire to put forth some effort ('cause this definitely ain't effortless) are key.

My problem is that I've got a history of choosing the "wrong" guy, for the right reasons. The kid that's not ready to commit, whether he's honest about it or not. I chose them because they were honest, or because I thought that's not what I wanted either, or because they were 100% in every area other than commitment...blah..blah, you know the routine.

My point: I've got to strike this delicate balance between not being foolish, yet giving 100% without second-guessing my partner. Allowing him to be who he is, without casting him in the light of my history. I have to trust him, for he's given me no reason not to trust him. Yet, I also don't want to walk around with blinders on to who he actually is. Don't want to cast him as the One if he's not him, ya know? Even though, he's got a lot of potential. He's a lot "Oner" than the previous applicants...lol. Ok, that may only make sense to me, but it's the middle of the night. Sue me.

Ideally: I give it my all regardless. If he's cool, he & I become we. If not, I learn a life lesson & move on. It won't be the first time it didn't work out & may not be the last. But in my head, I know that's the bottom line. If it doesn't work out, I've given it my all & he's ...well, he's whatever...then I can only blame myself for giving it 100%. Oh, and maybe for choosing him (maybe being the operative word in tha sentence). And I'm not about to beat myself up for giving it my all. If I don't give it my all, and continue to feed my insecurities (for that's what's plaguing me at this point) and it doesn't work out...well, ya know where I'll be laying the blame. And I do not want that.

Ok head, can ya convince my heart of the same. For while that makes perfect sense, if JC goes 36-40 hours without calling like I thought he did before, my heart's gonna go about 12 inches south and stay there, hiding from a hurt not inflicted, protecting itself from a pain only distantly perceived and not actually felt. Stomach churning from overcrowding, I'll blow up his phone/pager/two-way until the perceived hurt uninflicted is rectified and justice is served, coldly & swiftly. Until I realize (again) that my insecurities have begun a battle that I ultimately am doomed to lose.

Wow, waxing poetic. Insomnia, how you move me well...lol.

things done changed, the remix

I'm royally f%^&ed now.

JC called, and explained that he was busy with work, and couldn't make it...blah...blah...blah. I listened to his explanation, didn't blow my top. He said he'd left a message on my voicemail well before the graduation time, so I could make other arrangements, and let the chaos know what was up. I'd already checked my voicemail, and there were no new messages. He seemed sincerely confused, because he was positive he'd left a message, and wanted to know if I hadn't received it, who did? I told him he may be sure he left it, but I'm also sure I didn't get it. We didn't argue, but there was defintely tension there...we hung up & told each other we'd talk later.

I told the chaos that I had a message for her from JC that he wanted her to know about the whole thing. Her reply: "I already heard it." WHAT???!!!! "Yeah, he left a message on your voicemail while I had your cell phone, and I saved it for you. You heard it right?" Uh, well no. "Yeah, I figured you'd check it when I gave you the phone back, so I saved it for you."

Now here's the cute part. My voicemail saves messages in chronological order, oldest to newest. So when I'd checked it, the message from JC was last. Since I didn't have any new messages, and his voice wasn't the first I'd heard, I didn't listen to them all until after this conversation. There was his voice, sweetly explaining that he had to go out of town on business, would be gone for a few days, apologizing for missing the event, and promising that he'd make it up to both of us. I am such an a$$.

Here's the best part: JC and I'd already been slightly divided on the honesty issue. If that weren't enough, now this. I apologized to him via voicemail, and he called me while I was at a dr's appointment for booman and I apologized again. I told him I felt that we (JC & I ) were as distant emotionally as I ever wanted to be, and that I thought we needed some quality time when he gets back in town. His reply: "You need to focus on your little man right now, and I still have this work to finish. I'll holla at you later."

Yes, I'm probably paranoid. But I feel as if we're drifting apart...no that's not accurate. I feel as if I'm pushing him away with my lack of trust. He asked me a few days ago if I'd ever sabotaged a relationship. Have I??? HELL YEAH!!!! which is exactly why I'm freaking out now. He's a good man, and I said I was going to give him belief. I did ( a little ) but as soon as it hit the fan, belief when out the window. I hope I haven't lost him with it.

things done changed, part deux

or have they? more on that toward the end of this blog.

theonlychaos graduated yesterday. I am so incredibly proud of her, and amazed at her journey, which is really just beginning. The chaos happens to be my daughter, incidentally. We had a BBQ for her, and all our folks came through: the Diva, Sadat, Neo, the baby-daddy & his peeps, the white guy & his boys, Nova, Angel-lee, Nyamazelah, Britt, the Twinz, Val, Victoria, Fee-Fee, Starling, Anton, Curtis, etc...etc... It was quite wonderful, and the chaos had an excellent time. I'm so glad we all had a chance to get together. Their graduation ceremony was wonderful also, and I'm proud that they've all planned to continue their education.

so, have things changed? I thought I had a good man, but did'ja notice a name missing from the list? JC was a no-show. Matter of fact, JC has been MIA for at least 36-40 hours now. That's the longest I've gone without hearing from him in the last few months.

it's one thing to disappoint me & hurt me. Fine, it's happened before & I'm a grown-a$$ woman; I'll get over it. However, he hurt & disappointed the chaos. That is a whole different animal. Mary, when I see ya, I'm gonna long D ya, kna'mean??!!!! He's well f%^&ed. I gave his a$$ an out on 05/23/02; check back to the archives if ya feelin clueless. I actually told him that I wanted the whole thing to be over, and he said that's not what he wanted. That's not what he wanted. Then why do this? He swore he was "working like a Mexican to make sure he could be there..." and he not only no-shows, but he doesn't even bother to call & say he's gonna front. the chaos has been unusually silent on the whole matter. even the baby-daddy hasn't asked me about it yet. I'm not humiliated, or embarassed. I gave it my all, that's all I could do, and I don't feel bad about that. I'm not completely confused, or completely clueless. I'm sorta just sitting here with my heart in my hands, trying to protect it from JC, and wondering why? why do I have to protect it from him? I've never asked him for anything except his honesty, and it seems that was the one thing I couldn't have. the one thing he couldn't give. f%^& the fantasy ending, the happily ever after. I just wanted the happily now.

I told myself that I wouldn't shed another tear for another brother. Funny, who's crying now?

honesty

We had it out, JC & I. Finally. Now I have to be honest, I did something I probably shouldn't have. See, with neither of us being from here & both coming from a relatively small city, I'm used to being able to do a background check on anyone I date. Background check you say? Yes, I said background check...not criminal or from a PI. The old-fashioned kind, I call someone in my circle of family or friends, and they call someone in his circle, and then they give the information back to me. Like, is he married, or living with someone, etc. Since we're no longer in the small city, trying that did not work. So I poked into his business a different way, and found out something. I've actually known it a long time.

So I'd been subtly trying to get him to admit it. Ya know, leading questions to JC, asking him to be honest, telling him how I felt about the whole honesty issue. And here's how I feel: if you discuss a situation that may be something you'd normally not share with the person you're dating or trying to build with, even if they don't like the situation, they knew up front what they were getting into, so how much drama can they really cause? They have to at least respect you for being honest. Or at least that's how I look at it. So if you're married/involved/financially unstable/bisexual/etc, I at least have to respect you for telling me. And I know up front what I'm getting into. I can't bitch later about the situation...I knew about it up front & was allowed to choose whether I wanted to get into the situation. Makes sense, right?

Here's the problem: he wouldn't tell me. I knew the situation, but he kept avoiding telling me...until he finally lied about it. Mentally, I went "A-ha!!!". But I actually kept the whole thing close to the vest, thinking the truth will come to light later. It didn't. Actually, the lie began to eat at my ability to trust him. When we discussed other things not related to the situation, I looked for the companion lies. Y'all know that lies never come alone, right? Anyway, I either looked for holes in his other truths, or poked holes in them myself. Still, I kept the whole thing close to the vest.

Well, that little fib became weighty with time, along with the other perceived half-truths I felt went along with it. Until I felt that weight get a little too heavy, and decided enough was enough. I confronted him. For the record, JC & I have very similar temperments, and really bad tempers. We had a semi-blowout. Funny thing is, the biggest issue was not the situation I'd discovered...it was how I went about finding out about it. I didn't go through his wallet, or check his cell-phone/pager. But I did poke where I shouldn't have. And while his lie was pretty bad, my poking was just as bad, if not worse. I told him (and myself) that I believed in him, and us. And we both said we loved each other. How can I love him if I can't trust him?

The resolution: I don't poke, and he won't lie (or vice-versa). If he says something is none'ya, it stays none'ya. And I accept that until it's not none'ya (we're building, and while I don't mind full disclosure, I can't expect everyone else to adhere to that standard....that's asking too much too early in the relationship). And honestly I respect him for that too. Oh, and the situation? That's still none'ya. However, he called me and apologized for lying about it after we'd resolved the whole thing...after the original apology and the initial makeup. He says it's still none'ya, and apologized for it being none'ya still, 'cause he knows that the only way we can build is to keep the none'ya's at a minimum, or actually share the none'ya's. And said he'd explain the situation as soon as he possibly could. I respect that too, especially since the apology came out of the blue.

So, we've cleared a small relationship hurdle. We've been through rough times, and are still going through them. But we rarely argue, and when we do, it's pretty significant. We addressed one of those relationship issues that can kill the relationship early, and fixed it before it really got broked-ded (that's so ghetto fabulous, but the word fits). We're going to be as honest as we can, so that there are no misunderstandings and no drama. And I feel pretty good about that.

BTW, JC was pretty worried about his not getting me a birthday present. He's going through some thangs, and I told him I wasn't concerned. But today, he gave me the best after-birthday present I could've received. Not his heart, that's great, but not nearly as nice as what he gave me today. He gave me his trust, and his confidence. And bared his soul. He said that "I'm not perfect, but I'm a damn good man, and I'm trying...". And that's so special, I couldn't want for more...

spirituality

some mornings, I wake up & just feel blessed. blessed to be alive, blessed to see a beautiful sunrise, blessed to be able to take a breath....whewwwwwwwww...blessed to get to work safely, blessed that my kids are safe at school, blessed that I have a job to go to, blessed to realize from whence all that is possible. I'm not super religious, don't attend church like I should, and don't peddle religious tracts on unsuspecting victims.

but you know what: He whispered in my ear one day. Said "I am". And that was enough to convince me.

And when I became convinced, my life changed. I believe, it changed for the better. Doors opened for me that hadn't opened before, and I began to see myself in a new light. I accepted responsiblity for keeping my faith in Him, and for keeping my life on track. And He showed me what he wanted me to do. This didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't some destination I reached. It's a journey, and I'm still traveling.

It seems so simple now. It was just love, and the moment I began to love Him, I began to see the part of Him that lives within me. And I stopped wanting to engage in self-destructive behaviour. And I wanted to live the kind of life He wanted for me. And I wanted to be a perfect reflection of Him...to show the world the He that resides within me. I still wnat that, but again...that's part of the journey.

Ok, for all you naysayers...I thought about other explanations for all of the above. Free will & all that...me shaping my own destiny and giving the credit for my accomplishments to some "all-seeing, all-knowing" omnipotent being that I have no proof exists. yeah, I thought of that too. But I believe. When He whispered that to me, He touched my heart...and my heart had plenty of scar tissue that had to be sliced through in order for Him to reach me. But He did. And that's more than all the proof I need.

sometimes I think that he writes for me...cause I sat here & had every intention of writing a fluff piece about my straightened hair. Oh well, maybe later....

random acts of thought

PREFACE: JS, if you're reading this, I really don't mean anything I'm about to say maliciously, and I won't say squat that I wouldn't tell you to your face.

arrogance: JS called me out of the blue, and said he "missed" me. WHUUUTTT??!!! How can you miss what you've never had?! I appreciated the call, but uh, we've only met in cyberspace. Again, WHUUUTTT??!!!.
Ok, I just had to get that out first. Now, my second issue with JS: his arrogance. Mind you, this kid has stood me up twice, and made I don't know how many commitments to call me & not kept them. Frankly, he should be kissing my behind. But no, he sends me emails with home-made dinner requests, and wants them delivered to his house. Yeah, I'll do that...you just hold your breath, count to 11,000,000 and click your heels together and I'll be right there...

rants: I'm a lil sick (this week) of the following:
freaky a$$ big girls: I pulled up to my local Papa Johns, and here's this big, blonde-fade wearing, pierced chick showing off her latest tattoo in an area that should never see daylight, circled by a gang of brothas that wouldn't publicly admit letting her give them a blowjob. Damn. Excuse the vulgarity, but it was that ugly.
back-handed compliments: 2 examples. 1st - walking into the grocery, a brotha hollas "Damn, that's a whole lotta woman...". Then smiles. Why I didn't drop my panties & give him some right then, I'll never know. 2nd - Going thru the toll booth on my way home from work, the toll collector gives me my change, and says " I like your bo-dy" ( he had a pretty thick accent, so it came out as "baaah -deee"). Again, it was hard to pretty hard to resist him, but I managed...
arrogant men:of course, I want to be the most supportive, feminine creature of beauty that has ever walked the face of the earth, and that no man can resist. But if that involves me coming home from a hard day at work, cooking you a homecooked meal & delivering it...I'd rather be a stud. And if this were an isolated incident, it wouldn't be a rant. Ladies, stop believing the myths that the latest issue of Glamour/Mademoiselle/Elle/Allure/Redbook/Essense keeps feeding you..there are still good guys left, and you'd find them if you stop letting these other kids play you. You don't have to settle...you don't have to give up the booty...you don't have to pay them...you don't have to share them...sheesh...
bad poetry: just because you have DEEP THOUGHTS or can make two words rhyme...these things do not a poet make. I'm sick of porn-oetry (mental orgasms...heard it so many damn times it makes saying it's played seem trendy), nouveau consciousness (WATNMITH: why are there no mailboxes in the hood?...also trendy), dramatic-testimonies ( and the blood was as red, as the Eckõ shirt he wore when he flew my head....it just sucks...). You get the idea.

It's gotten so bad, I am almost determined to either write WATNMITH for real, and then go to some of these bourgie poetry readings and read it, record the response I get, then write a REAL poem about the responses...

Ok, brainfart's over... I'm gonna go write either WATNMITH, or servlets.

boredom is setting in...

yes, i wanted a man. yes, i made a list of 10 must-have qualities for that man to have. yes, i put a lot of thought into each one. yes, i tried to make them as meaningful as possible, and yes, i left shallow things like a dresscode, and baldheadedness off. yes, JC has all 10. yes, i do care about him deeply. yes, i believe he cares about me too.

and yes, i know that the devil, or my insecurities always wreak havoc at this point in any relationship. you know, the period between: i-don't-trust-him-worth-a-damn and we're-in-this-for-the-rest-of-it(whatever "it" is). we've already talked about that. this ain't that.

it's number 3 that's the problem: ambition. i asked for someone as driven as i, so that issues like me working late, or being in class wouldn't interfere with our relationship. i wanted that person to come to me whole, with their own identity, and their own life. i wanted it all, my life, his life, and our lives to merge (at some point) so we could enjoy our times apart as much as our times together.

that ain't happenin'. what is happenin' is that i'm getting bored, because he's busier than i. so i've been on the trust seesaw: resentful of the amount of time HE spends workin', or doubting whether he's actually at work as much as he says he is. i love it when i'm with him. it's just that it happens so rarely that i'm slowly losing interest. i can't fall in love with a ghost, or in love with the idea of being in love. not again, anyway. how do i tell him that without hurting him? he's fully aware of the problem, addressed it before i even realized it was an issue. he told me if it happened it wouldn't be the first time. he's doing as much as he can to get to the point where we can spend time together. and i want the same. i just want it before i get completely tired of sleeping with my cellphone.

i said belief, not faith. and i promised myself i would give him that. he's trying, so i have to do the same. ok...lift your head to the sky, and keep trying..believe in love..and it will take you higher

I'm gonna kick Sadat's a$$...

Ya know, I love my friends, but they really try me sometimes. Sadat called me at 5AM to tell me he was going to catch the bus ova hea. Why? I have no earthly idea. More than likely, he'd just gotten in from a club and wanted some company. Strictly platonic...Sadat is a former backup plan but he's recently returned to his manwhore status, and I ain't joining the harem. ANYWAY, his fine a$$ ain't showed up yet, and I've been up ever since. He has an a$$-whoopin coming.

Again, I love all my friends, but what kind of crap is that?

A thought....I love my friends, all of whom (for the most part) happen to be ex's or potentials just waiting to happen. I wonder how my sweetie will feel about all that once he meets them. Hm......

:-O   he's having a baby?!!!

I was gonna blog about shame & regret, but SG told me he's gonna be a proud papa in the fall. I'm completely floored. See, SG was my backup plan...I was really hoping to wear him down into putting a ring on my finger. damn...damn..damn, james!!!!

I don't know if I'd mentioned SG, but I've always thought SG was a hottie. He's sexy in a "I'm intelligent and confident with myself" kinda way. You know, willing to show his flaws, cause he's acknowledged them and KNOWS that he's still a hottie regardless..and even willing to let a few of his insecurities show. A real, true brotha, and a definite life-partner kind of catch. Yes, I'd tried to get at him, but he was never really feeling me like that, and I think he was just too nice to tell me that. So we're really good friends, and I openly lust after him at every opportunity I get...or used to that is. DAMN.

I'm happy for him, and K (the lucky lady). I'd really like to see him settled... I think he'll make an excellent dad, and husband ( 'cause he will one day get married, and he SO obviously cares a lot about her). But I can't front...sweetie or no sweetie, I am a lil jealous. SG was my backup plan. It SO sucks to be me. DAMN.

Ok, so I have a a sweetie...BTW, I do luv u sweetie. But a sista DOES need a backup plan...looks like I'm taking applications again.

Mental note: to all the sistas too. Men's insecurities are greater than ours..they're more sensitive..they feel as strongly and passionately as we do and just try to hide it better. They want the same things that we want, and are hurt just as we are. I have really good guy friends that have taught me SO much about love & lust & life & all those things that should be important to us all, and SG is just one of them. I only wish (regret?) that I'd figured this out earlier in life.